Akira Morikawa: Secrets: What is that one secret that you can never share with anyone?

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Secrets: What is that one secret that you can never share with anyone?

I Know What You Did Last Summer : I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

Do you know what I did last summer?

Answer by Anonymous:

That at 17 I’ve slept with dozens of men and been a masturbation addict since 12.

I was premature as I entered puberty. My first time occurred at 14. With a 28-year-old married man near my neighbourhood. I was really curious about sex, and he treated me very nicely. So when he asked me I consented. I know it was illegal to have sexual intercourse with 14-year-girl with/without consent, but it just happened.

It’s technically not a secret. One of my friend knows it. I told my mom a few years ago. And two of my therapists.

Every time I was with him I felt peaceful. The sex was good. I was old enough to enjoy. Although the first few times hurt. He was very supportive emotionally, and we both knew that it didn’t have a result. I had no intention to hurt him marriage/family. I think I was just compensating for my lack of father figure in my life. My father, though still alive, was very emotionally distant from me. In contrast, the married man had everything that I was craving for: respect, care, humour and most importantly the energy he was willing to share with me.

Often “secret” is related to shame, guiltiness, negative emotions etc. But I don’t hate any body. Not even myself. It happened as it did. Sometime I would even feel grateful for him. I don’t know if I can be here today if it wasn’t for him.

Before I met him, I was mired in the family fight. I hate school, and my parents hate me. I was always thinking about becoming a prostitute, or even better, just kill myself. I was clinically depressed and constantly anxious. Meeting him took my edge off.

He used to take me to pet market just because I mentioned casually that I want to raise hamster. He never interrupted me when I was speaking. I think our relationship was somehow similar to Lecter and Angela in American Beauty. The novel version of course, where they ended up having sex.

After I talked to one of my therapists, I decided to stop it, because she said it was wrong. After I left him, I started a crazy round of casual sex. I just randomly picked up men from dating sites and pubs. I even charged them for once or twice, for some expedient money. What makes me feel shameful, is that I don’t feel shameful about all that I’ve done at all. Somehow I just decided to forgive myself and letted go.

All sex happened with both parties’ consents, and always with protection(condoms). I tested twice a year. I didn’t want anything to do with these men so I deleted their contact immediately when it was over. It somehow released my hormones and calmed me down. For a very long time I felt like I was living a double life. Honour student on the one side, and slut on the other.

When I don’t have casual sex, I masturbate. A lot. Sometimes for the whole afternoon or evening. Sometime the whole day. It is like drugs(though I haven’t tried that yet). It calmed me down a little bit. I’m always too edgy. Once I even masturbated the evening before SAT test.

I stopped all my casual sex after I met my ex-boyfriend. Not until we are separated physically for a while. I cheated on him. We ended up broking up for something else, and he didn’t know it. Or maybe he did. I don’t care any more. My ex-boyfriend was the only person that I’ve had a “normal” relationship with. He, like me, was in his late teens. All other people were just twenty or thirty something that I had one night stand with. He was a good boyfriend and I was a wishful girl-friend. I regret the second he consented my breaking-up proposal. But I deserve it anyway.

After I broke up with him, I felt hopeless for a long time. My masturbation addiction aggravated. I barely functioned. But I stopped all my sexual intercourse with human beings. I stopped catering to another body that I have no feeling for. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I could find ONS at 17 if I want if I can find casual partners at 16. But I am tired of it.

I felt really old telling my story, but I also felt young and stupid. It’s life a long time ago and I’m not mad at anyone. It is what it is. I still don’t know if I made mistakes or not. For if you think about it this way, I didn’t lose anything. I always used protection, and never got involved in other people’s lives. It just made me feel really old.

It may not be that bad for me, for I was able to experience the life of a slut, and then decide for myself that I don’t want it. I considered removing anonymity, yet I am intimidated by the realisation that my acquittance(friends, teachers etc.) here on Quora may see me differently after they read this answer. I don’t fear judgement either; I just don’t want to be bothered by the consequence of it.

It is a secret that I can’t say to my future partner, and it’s a huge burden. What would my future partner think of me if he knows my history? What would my friends see me if they know it? I’m afraid of new relationships at 17 for fear of exposure. I deserve it for the stupid deeds that I committed at an early age, but I also deserve some more time. I’ll pick myself up and start fresh, despite what have happened before.

I know better now.